I wish all of you a delicious 2012 with more goodies than your bellies can stuff!
And also dancing. Dancing is important. x
Tonight will be spent with another one of my girls.
When I found out about the nonsense someone I thought I respected, someone I spent a lot of time with, was carrying on with a few months ago – I officially snapped. And while I am still piecing back together after weeks of feeling angry and disgusted – I have my girls to thank.
And my psychologist, naturally, who also happens to be a woman.
Maybe I do have some resolutions for 2012 after all. I’m going to let go of things that hurt me, grip what I love until it turns violet, and spread love throughout the Universe each and every day. As someone who meditates daily with a focus on surrounding this crazy world of ours in golden light, I think in 2012 I need to love mySelf the same way.
I’m also going to keep loving you and you and you. I realize I can’t snap my fingers and have everything in life perfect itself because it’s a new year…
… or maybe I can?
You need a cigarette. The desire extends to a place where you literally hear the welcoming crackle of the initial inhale, crystal clear. As clear as it sounded when you heard the sudden ‘goodbye’ that induced the urgent need.
You swallow smoke and fill a place that you don’t discus. It’s a place deaf to ‘that’s bad for you’ and blind to ‘have you seen what happens when?’ Grey trails escape from flared nostrils and silent lips and you swear it’s the loudest you’ve been in so long.
Something about a forced transition cleanses you, head to toe. Something with a swish whose thankful miss of your heart seems to redeem the questions. Capture every ‘how could this happen’ like a butterfly net with an innocent … slow down. Opposed to contain.
Your mouth is warm with fire and you hide behind the danger hoping it creates some sort of threatening mirage. Something that builds distance within the attachment that you know better to assume…
Your comfort toward the dark inside that exposes inevitable weakness clouds a coldness in your eyes that’s December in the summertime… down south it’s July inside January. You’re used to moving place to place to appease the ‘more further the better’ pull that attracts your irritation the same way as swallowing fumes.
You contemplate quick fixes, what happens fast. Your valiant mold remains a statue surrounding your standard candor. Somehow you’re moving beneath the stone and the one way to tell is how your lips form around
whatever you can inhale. Anything absorbed, sniffed, sucked, and taken in brings the comfort of…
You contemplate quitting with a new appreciation of impossibility.
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions – bar the dreaded January detox - however, I am a fan of fresh starts. And since kicking into a new set of twelve months falls into this category, I’d like to make note of what will happen.
This year, I’ll spend more time with my family. The only reason I haven’t been for the past decade, is because I’ve been 10,000 miles away. I’m back now, so this is an easy thing to do.
Next: novel completion. That’s right cult collective, I’m over Novel #1. Poetry one and two came and went, three will arrive July 2012 – The Carrier was shot (sequel coming) – but the novel needs to be put out there. Not in search of profit, more so as security of sanity. You can only spend so much time saying “it’s coming it’s coming it’s coming”.
FollowMeToNYC will be sorted out to a somewhat “organized” land where the close to 1,000 posts I’ve completed are available and presented in a way that enables visitors to peruse this
perpetually under construction land in a way that really reveals something about the crazy ride I’ve been on since starting it. A ride that’s taken me from Australia to New York City to Australia to New York City in and out of Connecticut and somehow plopped me in a Manhattan high-rise with river views to FINISH THE BLOODY NOVEL.
It’s all happening.
As 2012 rolls, I’m going to be more honest about who I am. And more diligent about learning how to express the pieces I still can’t explain.
“Sometimes, when you’re rapidly presented with shocking extremities… it takes everything you have to steady existence.” by @gretchen_cello
Funny how my own words circled back my way in such timely fashion. Thank you again to BooksByWomen for quoting my thoughts. You gave me goosebumps and sailor-knots in my stomach.
I love being home after too many years gone. It is the perfect way to “steady existence”.
I’m sitting in a glass house at the moment, flooded with winter sun, listening to the breath of December rattle naked tree tops. Three hours from now, fifteen of us will shake the walls with the celebration of being all together.
In the meantime, I’ll keep sorting through and painting words. Quieting certain thoughts, turning up others, letting go of “goodbyes” and embracing the divinity of realities lost for too many years.
Nothing knocks you back in line like four big sisters balancing you on your feet, brushing you off, and clanging your glass to, “Thank God that’s all over with.”
… there will be photos. x