In the midst of stumbling on and off my face lately, I fell through the door yesterday to my very quiet apartment and was immediately unhappy.
I kind of reckon Artists have a unique pain thresh hold. And since I hold on to this “every low is followed by a fabulous happiness” I really make a legit effort to limp through.
However, some days I suck at it. And yes, it is still a traumatic reaction to an ex-partner’s uselessness. I’ve finally come to see over the past three or four months, I don’t miss him. I just can’t live alone.
When I was single digits lying on the floor in my bedroom writing in looseleaf notebooks with grey lead pencil, there was life in every room surrounding me. Two sisters below me, one in the room next to me, my parents on the other side. More creatures down the hall.
There is a very low lull to life that I require around me at all times. It’s why I live in Hell’s Kitchen with the windows open, and why the Upper Whack Side in its suburban vacancy literally gave me the creeps.
And sometimes voices six flights down on the sidewalk don’t chill me out. I need like, someone reading a book or drawing around. I’ve come to accept it’s just part of who I’ve grown to be considering I was in a house full of people, then a handful of share situations before I got hitched.
I hate living alone. It’s somewhat toxic for me.
Therefore, you can imagine my joy toward a 48-hour slumber party with my bestie Chris. We ate $1 pizza off the avenue at 1am and watched B-grade horrow movies on Hulu until around 2.
This is what I rely on keeping my sanity in passing periods of strife. Up picking.
Lately when I obsess over a new music act, I end up finding a slew of tracks to fill my days with. Like during my recent Moto Boy and Allen Stone tangents, for example. Sia has proven no different. After my Chandelier rant yesterday, I went to work and listened to the whole album – which is how I came across Elastic Heart.
This is the song you want to scream in your ex’s face after you’re let down, again. I’d definitely like to scream it in my first husband’s face. He really deserves that. (more…)
First of all, Sia: Chandelier
… you’re welcome.
Last night over Shiraz with my girlfriend, she put me onto Sia. Apparently Sia is from Australia, I can’t lie – I never heard of her the nine years I spent living there, but I live a deliberately sheltered existence in many ways.
Which sounds peculiar considering I live in midtown Manhattan… I digress.
Chandelier by Sia is my currently favorite song. This usually changes every two or three days, but for today, I’m totally about it.
I particularly like how strange Sia is. She apparently doesn’t like to face cameras during performances and there was a bit of chat about it after she performed this track on some talk show facing the wall.
The more popular video clip has a little girl jumping around in a leotard making faces. I prefer the one with the words and invisible creature.
I like my music like my poetry. I want it to make me feel totally overwhelmed. Sia’s pipes on this track, along with the smart language makes me feel overwhelmed. It’s fabulous. I like remembering I have a heartbeat after it was slaughtered by a vacant soul drifting somewhere in the southern hemisphere, years ago. The only line I don’t like is “here comes the shame”, which linguistically I would suggest “here comes the shade”. No shame in my game Sia, just sayin.
So like I was saying, Shiraz. Sometimes you just need your girlfriends for a hot second. We clanged glasses and cackled loudly while my girl made a list titled “Gretchen’s Husband” with a stack of qualities that shan’t be repeated. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
Then we did yoga in my living room to Chandeleir on repeat. Turns out it’s a really dope yoga track.
Happy Wedensday Blog Tribe.
affect (of affliction)
this morning. you will not. not ever
understand that. last night. when
you arrived i wanted to get better. even
though it was six weeks ago now. nearly (more…)
i wrote. poetry. for and about him.
too far to speak. i metered emotion.
off switch. flick. let’s live like there’s no within.
like my heart un-heavy, my song unsung;
desire to explain an… impossible. (more…)