The days between leaving the only job I had ever known and attending the Spiritualist church remain some of my most uncertain. I felt the anger taking over that I had been warned about by teachers, the sadness.
I spent a lot of time on top of my apartment building. The alarm meant to sound when the rooftop access door opens never worked. I knew that it wouldn’t from the first day I escaped twenty-seven stories up to see if life appeared different from that height.
The night before I attended mass I stood with the toes of both my feet spread out and over the ledge. One fall forward is what I told myself.
One fall forward. A new type of courage.
But you wouldn’t let me. Continue reading
After many comfortable years at the restaurant it was time to move on. The husband and wife that owned the establishment had grown to consider me theirs.
Tears were shed the day that I left.
The decision was difficult to accept. I knew that life would be easier if I stayed, and in a way that was exactly what I wanted. A daily routine of washing, drying, and pondering.
Life is constructed of arduous choices. Continue reading
Remember how I said that we find who we are meant? Did you feel that when you first saw me watching you?
Do you know how you effect me?
Sam taught me about magic. I lived with him for many years before he started telling me things. He silently observed me reading books about the occult and divination. Back then I believed there was something mystical to it.
I now apprehend the great difference between the principals of magic and esotericism. These days magic, to us, is something facile. The craft is not what Sam taught me which proved of value.
He taught me the limitless potential of ritual. Continue reading
Knowing what to do with it, to me, has sometimes felt like the hardest thing.
When I initially arrived in the city, a job and shelter were my two priorities. I stayed in a hostile on the lower east side for two weeks and focussed.
Focus is an intense power, learning to control thought and limit distraction. Acute empathy is one our greatest strengths and most dangerous weaknesses. There are shielding mechanisms to protect us from our own sensitivities, but they never appealed to me. I feel alienated enough, disconnecting from emotion removes the one way I manage to relate to other people. Continue reading
I remember the two hour ride into Manhattan more clearly than many other moments gone. I felt confident for the first time, somehow reunified with life. I had Connie to thank for that.
Connie was the teacher I mentioned, my first. She read my palm and offered me green tea. I drank her warm offering and she carefully tilted the empty porcelain mug to capture rays of autumn sun filling her kitchen window. Asymmetrical leaves lined the inside of the beige cup.
She told me so many things. Continue reading