directions of destruction

i cut my wrist. vertical. crashing. slay.
horizontal. a lay down way to say
these are the ways that i hurt myself. pay.
choking descriptions of “it’s a bad day”.
i am telling you what i never speak.
step into an orb of utter. alone.
one impossible notion. being weak.
i’m trying to explain. i know no one.
i’d rather be written off. forgotten.
i was recalled once. result? abandon.
realize, i stopped imagining when.
i only ride in the wrong direction,
consciously willing a final demise.
tirelessly shielding my self-infliction.
i forgot my name first sight of your eyes .
forced to relearn. waxing moon. rising sun.
there is no compass for how i ruin,
i stopped looking for remotely. akin.

“… out of control on videotape”