the world & words of a new york city writer

gretchen is a writer in new york city

Tag: heartbreak (page 10 of 13)

my live living room. laying low.

Namaste blog family

IMG_5845The Live in Your Living Room event that occurred in my apartment last Saturday was a tremendous success. It was incredible to see Cloudmachine perform in my apartment four years after I wrote poetry to his music. It was the first time we met in person and an amazing experience all around.

Another surreal aspect of it all was how my life has come full circle. I set off to write professionally in New York City back in 2009, did just that, the gig came to a conclusion, so here I am floating again.

Drifting.

I’ve gotta say meeting someone in person who I came in contact with so early on in my mission was out of this world. There were probably about twenty people in my place at one stage, I think that’s more people than I actually know in total. The musicians IMG_5837brought guests, friends brought friends; it was an incredible event to be part of.

I’ve ducked out of the city again to get some writing done in the country. Focussing can be tricky with the whole, “Jesus, I really need a job”-ness railing the back of my skull – but I’m doing my best. After all, what more can we do.

Something else I’ve come to terms with recently is that during all of my working ventures since I’ve been back in town – the hardest one IMG_5813has been forgiving the ex-husband I left in Australia. Before my divorce, I didn’t really understand what being traumatized meant. And while I understand it and have dealt with it to the best of my ability over the past 36 months, I still haven’t forgiven him.

That’s unfamiliar to me, I might get crabby – but forgiveness is something that’s always come easy before.

I guess part of why it’s on my mind is because I’ve been working so hard these past 38 months, I was able to suppress the final pieces that come with letting go of a big part of your life. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I’m going to write some poems about it and get my posting steady again. I know I can’t feel terrible forever, I just hope it concludes soon.

 

BANG! I’M BACK!! BANG BANG!!!

DSCN2332OMFG. Blog family, it’s been a minute. An epic gap in the five year strong FollowMeToNYC crusade through my wordly world.

I’ve been in the country, Halloween came and went, I’ve been quiet and internal and reflective and all of those things that take you over in the times of your life that will prove to be most critical.

Essentially, shit’s going done.

There’s something that’s been on my mind since April and, unlike my happy trails of rant that I leave around here, I can’t directly talk about it. I guess the best thing to compare it to is that I feel like I’m in a witness protection program. Only I was a victim, not a DSCN2396witness. And in any event, I can’t talk about it. However, I will say, that this incident has directly impacted where I’m at right now – in every sense.

SO!!! Tomorrow, it’s back to New York City time. It’s been close to a remarkable three weeks since I’ve directly dealt with that little life of mine tightly nesting on the fringe of Times Square.

This is the first time I’ve been “in between jobs” since independently building my Manhattan life. That means I’ve never been cut loose to simply enjoy what I worked so hard for. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.

Of course, I’ve been working around the clock for the past two weeks. I have applied for Writer work everywhere from New York City to Australia and back to Seattle. I’ve been writing Book and dumping boyfriends.

That said, I have a new favorite dump your partner track. Y’all know how I love my empowering break-up songs, especially considering how many fools I’ve circled with over the past 36 months.

“And every day I wake up celebrating shit. Why? Cause I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch…”

 

greeting goodbye for a fake hello

greeting goodbye for a fake hello

Reaching the point where I am. Out. I’m out.
Unlike your ex, I won’t call for your couch.
I am not a species designed to shout.
36 years and I’ve never once slouched.
Don’t think I’m sad. Or even. Hurt. Walking
In shadows; all that I had. Do you think
If I felt, I would continue talking
? Don’t have to close two eyes. Only one. Wink.
Your memory failed us. Waving white flag.
You induce numb while I ignite this. Life
Blowing rings. Tipping crystal. Standard swag.
This knowledge-less land knows nothing of strife.
Next time you treat someone like you did me,
I hope you embrace what starting can be.

taste of fall

Taste of Fall

September tastes like apple cider in New York City. I walked through Central Park in 5am darkness that pricked with the first bite of winter’s warning. Not as hard as what was said last night.

No one goes to the park this early. There’s me, a clan of serial joggers, a few cyclists and a couple of homeless people. I’m here because I have dogs. I have dogs because they get me out of the house. And it’s important for me to get out of the house, because I have habits.

I have habits for a couple of reasons. Continue reading

less than (24 hours)

less than (24 hours)

i explained. change.
like fall. collapsed says
foolish history cannot
sustain this real love.
past habit hits and inane
tidbits. useless chips
digging. with sharp nail
scratch. this surface
funnels. flashes. recede.
throw what you can’t hold.
time. never. it counted to me.

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