I grieved a bit today. I was a little sad, eventually less sad. Then, I stopped caring.
I’ve been listening to “Too Good” by Drake all day on repeat. I’d post it, but there’s some bullshit copyrights that don’t let me clip a video yet… Nothing irks me like a greedy “Artist”.
Here’s my favorite line: “Last night, I came to a realization. And I hope you can take it. I’m too good to you, I’m way to good to you. You take my love for granted, I just don’t understand it.” Continue reading
I tried. Like, I feel like I tried more than I have in a few years.
Dating is toxic. It’s the worst thing in the world. And while the stories and poems I get from somewhat captivating encounters is usually alright – I tend to walk away with the whole, “What the fuck was I thinking?” vibe.
That’s essentially what I have today. Continue reading
cut like you
work. Continue reading
Namaste blah-g tribe
As much as I’ve been on-ing about my love life recently, terrible things started happening about four days ago.
First, a colleague I’m very fond of is moving on. I’m extremely proud this person found a new place to strut their writing talent, but I’ll miss seeing my friend every day.
Speaking of friends, I had a huge falling out with my best friend when he decided to contact one of my ex-boyfriends – why, I’m still uncertain. But it certainly pissed me off.
Furthermore, there are private, health-related family things I’ve been limping through for about a month or so.
I combined this with the way that my relationship is starting to feel like it’s “long distance”, and my mood for the past 80 hours or so has been harrowing. Continue reading
I don’t have a boyfriend again. After we spent four days making up, I had an anxiety attack this afternoon and told him we shouldn’t see each other.
This is upsetting for a spectrum of reasons. However, I feel myself retreating to the safety of where I cut the world off and fall into a meditative state of complete nothingness.
There are a lot of reasons I suck at being a girlfriend. However, I find my greatest issue in feigning relationships with the human species is the anthropomorphic perception of time.
I’m hard and fast. Life is short, experience is precious. If I start having experiences with someone, like I had with Anthony recently, for example, or even the Frenchman – I can’t comprehend why these experiences don’t occur as frequently as possible.
As much as I’m in love with being in love, I also feel like love is a fucking joke and probably not in the cards for me this walk around. I take “in or out” to a manic level that most Earth dwellers cannot comprehend.
It’s pushing four in the morning. I’m drinking vodka sodas, looking at the east river out my window and blasting Elastic Heart in my ears. I’m not sure why I do these things that pull my heart strings to a vague sense of torture.
Sometimes I think it’s because I’ll never heal from my marriage breakdown. I certainly won’t as long as I keep spending time with people who only give a shit about me on their clock.
I don’t want to change anything about mySelf. I’d like to stop trying to find someone to love though. It’s not even like I’m stomping streets trying to find it. It’s just that when I meet someone who is extremely special to me, I take it too seriously.
I’m going to try to stop doing that.