the world & words of a new york city writer

gretchen is a writer in new york city

Tag: heartbreak (page 8 of 14)

conclude commission

conclude commission

when you
cut like you
knew this
would never
work. Continue reading

terrible things

Namaste blah-g tribe

As much as I’ve been on-ing about my love life recently, terrible things started happening about four days ago.

IMG_3571First, a colleague I’m very fond of is moving on. I’m extremely proud this person found a new place to strut their writing talent, but I’ll miss seeing my friend every day.

Speaking of friends, I had a huge falling out with my best friend when he decided to contact one of my ex-boyfriends – why, I’m still uncertain. But it certainly pissed me off.

Furthermore, there are private, health-related family things I’ve been limping through for about a month or so.

I combined this with the way that my relationship is starting to feel like it’s “long distance”, and my mood for the past 80 hours or so has been harrowing. Continue reading

because i suck at this

IMG_3530I don’t have a boyfriend again. After we spent four days making up, I had an anxiety attack this afternoon and told him we shouldn’t see each other.

This is upsetting for a spectrum of reasons. However, I feel myself retreating to the safety of where I cut the world off and fall into a meditative state of complete nothingness.

There are a lot of reasons I suck at being a girlfriend. However, I find my greatest issue in feigning relationships with the human species is the anthropomorphic perception of time.

I’m hard and fast. Life is short, experience is precious. If I start having experiences with someone, like I had with Anthony recently, for example, or even the Frenchman – I can’t comprehend why these experiences don’t occur as frequently as possible.

As much as I’m in love with being in love, I also feel like love is a fucking joke and probably not in the cards for me this walk around. I take “in or out” to a manic level that most Earth dwellers cannot comprehend.

It’s pushing four in the morning. I’m drinking vodka sodas, looking at the east river out my IMG_3544window and blasting Elastic Heart in my ears. I’m not sure why I do these things that pull my heart strings to a vague sense of torture.

Sometimes I think it’s because I’ll never heal from my marriage breakdown. I certainly won’t as long as I keep spending time with people who only give a shit about me on their clock.

I don’t want to change anything about mySelf. I’d like to stop trying to find someone to love though. It’s not even like I’m stomping streets trying to find it. It’s just that when I meet someone who is extremely special to me, I take it too seriously.

I’m going to try to stop doing that.

 

when you love the hit

Well, another lover burned to the ground. This time, it was all over words.

IMG_3279When you are a born Writer, and like, have never done anything but process life in characters essentially since inception – you pay attention to what people say. Especially when you’re fucking them.

My boyfriend said three really shitty things in less than a seven day period.

And I snapped.

Blog tribe that’s been in my crew since this page started in 2009 know that I am a generally, relaxed and peaceful creature. Also, I will do anything for anyone. If you need something in my power to provide, have it. Just try not to rob me.

I feel like Brooklyn robbed me. It took me out of my life and put this gorgeous Italian man in front of me and literally took me for a ride.

I hate that.IMG_2923

When I was boohooing to my favorite sister yesterday over this, I made the additional claim that the best thing to me about any relationship is the Art it creates.

I’m not sure how true that is. I always say I’m in love with being in love, but I don’t reckon that is what recently occurred. I think I actually met someone I sincerely cared about, and once again was sent reeling.

When the last one and I first met, we talked about how neither of us could be hurt by the other, because we’ve both been fucked over so hard already – the encounter was already somewhat insignificant.

In any event, I spent five weeks in love with Anthony. And between you and I, it was honestly my favorite so far.

I’m grieving. I’m going to dye my hair silver today. Love to you, yours and ours blog tribe. Stay blessed. Even when the rest is impossible.

 

i may have accidentally dumped my boyfriend

One thing that being divorced twice by 37 has taught me, I’m a shit girlfriend. Regardless of my husband collection being utterly dysfunctional, I like being married. I do not, however, enjoy being a girlfriend.

Being a girlfriend has all of these stupid rules like being available and knowing when someone will swing through. I have to remember when to shave my legs and straighten my hair and clean my apartment. Continue reading

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