the world & words of a new york city writer

gretchen is a writer in new york city

Tag: sorrow (page 5 of 11)

off with the phone

IMG_0501My phone is off. I’m envisioning a turn-on date of Monday, maybe Tuesday. I really want to get on an airplane and gun it back to Australia, but I know that’s not going down for a few years.

Besides, I came here to publish a book. I’ve done everything else I said I would, that’s still lingering.

I’ve felt tremendously sad over the past few days. It’s a dull saddness sunk in the pit of my stomach. Comes and goes, goes and comes.

One in ten Americans pops anti-depressants. It’s also estimated that 70% of this country is popping something. That’s something I’ll never do. I think being sad is a natural emotion to endure. Earth is really, and I mean really, a trecherous land. Humans are unevolved and life really sticks it you sometimes. Continue reading

shitty girlfriend. brilliant wife.

I’ve had a somewhat similiar conversation with four people over the past four days, I make a really great wife, but the shittiest girlfriend on Earth.

It’s not that I cheat or mistreat anyone. On the contrary, I’m fiercely loyal and actually enjoy breaking my back for anyone I’m in love with – which tends to be everyone.

I’ve always considered myself a servant to a certain degree. I think I’ve got a good grip on how terrible the planet is, so I go out of my way to ease other human’s experience by being a flexible, easy going creature. Continue reading

hard. husband 2.

Namaste blog tribe

I hope you are all well around the world. I’ve decided that I think that I’m a hard person. I realized this today, when I sniffled and sobbed all the way to the vet to pick up Henry’s ashes. Alone. In freezing cold weather. Which somehow makes it worse, cold always makes everything worse.

Husband 2 is officially off the scene. I haven’t mentioned much about the details, some things are private even in Internet land. Needless to say, we bid each other an amicable adieu. I’ve realized I’m shit at being married. I’m moody, I get reclusive, I’m stuck in my ways and lots of other things.

It’s officially down to Peanut and I. Last year around this time, I was grieving my first husband and longing for the puppies to arrive. Little did I know that by the time they arrived, my second marriage would be over – and Henry’s body would be in its final weeks of a silent fight with cancer that no one could have saw.

Numb is the best way to describe my present state. I’ve seen some shitty times throughout our bloggy journey. But I’d like to give a special shout out to the suck that is presently having a feed on my fighting life. I’m not someone to sugar coat things. While I understand that at the end of the day, no one can rescue “you” except “you”, and yes, it can always be worse… but bloody hell… I’ve taken a serious beating over the past two months.

My focus stays on apartment. I am going to get Peanut set up someplace where I can visit her during lunch. I’ve considered getting her a friend, but how do you replace a sibling?

I don’t know how I’m fighting right now when I hurt so much. I’ll work it out. I’ve been in Sunnyside for eight weeks. During these eight weeks any certainty I thought was there evaporated. All I have is faith.

That’s just going to have to be enough.

 

 

sadly. slipping.

sadly. slipping.

you suppose you
can delete these
concepts shattering
an already broken
idea about what might

have existed until
psychotic intentions
erupted and challenged
thinking i was just
another drooling admirer. Continue reading

i got no rhythm

i just keep losing my beat

i just gotta get out of this prison cell, one day i’m gonna be free.

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