the world and writing of a nyc writer

gretchen is a writer in new york city

Tag: sorrow (page 7 of 11)

cancer

They think Henry has cancer. He won’t eat. It’s very possible I will not be in these parts for some time.

I guess we all have our breaking point.

R.I.P Nathan Wills

Three weeks ago today I blogged about a conversation I was having with an Artist I love and respect uniquely to any other soul I have encountered.

Ten minutes ago I popped on Twitter to say hello. That’s how I found out that Nathan Wills took his own life on July 27th.

Nathan and I found each other in the early days of FollowMeToNYC when I was soaring the land of social media following conversations of musicians, writers, artists and other lovers connecting through these means. Instantly our conversations went beyond such talents – we talked about infinite love. We talked about one Soul. Continue reading

affirm return of the sun

Happy Friday the 13th! It feels like only yesterday we were celebrating the day of all things spooky.

It’s been nearly two months since I decided to get over my divorce. I’m glad I made the decision to go to therapy. Having a personality scientist spell things out that I probably didn’t want to face (definitely didn’t want to face) has helped me immensely.

I don’t think psychologists can cure depression, but they can put you in the position where you decide to heal yourself.

The irony is, I know what will make me better. I know that sitting inside sulking is not going to achieve great things, and I know that until you make the conscious decision to get better – nothing changes.

I said all of these things to my therapist yesterday. Then she looked at the pile of papers she was going to give me to read and said, “I don’t really think you need these after all.”

My weekly sessions haven’t taught me how to feel good, but they have taught me why my marriage made me feel so bad. As someone who would rather swallow blood than pride, it’s taken the assistance of a PhD holding Princess to break down the behaviors of my ex into a language that has finally penetrated the eight years I endured in utter denial.

“He didn’t treat you right. He isn’t good for you.”

These are the affirmations I’m focussed on now. While they may not be the “Be easy on yourself” notions the doctor had in mind, they’re helping to settle into acceptance.

The sun helps too. I finally feel a sincere affirmation of its return.

Perhaps I’ll start being easier on myself after all.

fluid extinction

fluid extinction

what if. i wore
definitions of different
around my belt;
like it could hold something
up. a place of above
generic. understanding, knowledge
that you could even
conceive a chance of another.
while i bleed, justify
shared ideologies. you are
something of another
where i can finally feel
complete. ended.
as i chase
something. i cannot contact.
i extend beyond a barrier
of you ringing. out. unanswered.
weighing the wait of
my plea. my embrace. my
truth to touch what we do
not speak. silent declaration
while you shove. into another.
i ooze. a silent
stream.

remix death

No matter how well I feel, I’ll always attempt to address darkness through my Writing. Just because one might be lucky enough to live a life protected from it – doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I look at the world very ying-yang-y. With all light comes darkness, with every darkness there is light.

Balance.

remix death

the minute you walk
(ed). like a tense of past.
like you thought. like i
could never spool
refreshed. piles of late
(st). where you both
reside. weak disruption
of what we / you / might
could have been. suck
it up. no choice but t/wo/o/oo
raise. possibility of alleviate.
i might make it. lighter.
electron. proton. fit.
morph me. to / o. a
physical structure. touchable
shape of what human
can be. a possibility left
back from BC / AD
stories woven throughout
time. period. acceptable
structure to what can be
taken in. my stomach’s
knife. blade to a core
of what i have been
educated to endure.
while the two of you find
(k)new. allow me
to(o)
d(ye)ie.

I stayed out late cackling last night over on the west side with an old and new friend. We indulged in various flavors of margarita, licked salty rims, squeezed limes and ate mushroom tacos.

This weekend, I’m going to lock myself away – here in the smack center of New York City – and I’m going to work toward the completion of my novel.

I hope your day is beautiful, blog family. x

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