affect (of affliction)

this morning. you will not. not ever
understand that. last night. when
you arrived i wanted to get better. even
though it was six weeks ago now. nearly
seven. numbers are one of the things that
i obsess. over. only obsession is nothing
compared to the way that i am fast. this
impulse. this. sudden. shock. this place
i explode and destroy and remember to(o)
always forget. amnesia’s embrace. like
a soft comfort that you know will not stay.
waterfall memories and pictures of you
fell and rolled down the front and back
of whatever i put out. boomerang games.
it returns. three times. hard. and no one
bothers being same. nothing can be
regular. ordinary is a distant wish from
what i was allowed or felt. when you
showed. up. jumping. i fell. once. again.

(i’m still writing to this)

but also… this: