tens of thousands

I’m unorganized when it comes to my writing. I dislike editing and revising. I give documents strange names like ‘FinalV1.2’ and forget about them. Next thing you know I’ve got half a dozen works at twenty thousand words a pop (literally). Here’s a segment of what I’m on about… a small piece of the novel…

‘What are you so nervous for?’ asks Audrey as she lights up another cigarette progressively working through her pack a day habit. ‘Noah is gorgeous, your Mum is going to love him. Besides, you’re not even planning to travel for like six months, it’s far too early to be stressed out about it.’

I met Audrey waiting for a tram on Little Collins Street when she asked me for a light. I instinctively replied, ‘No sorry, I don’t smoke tobacco,’ even though it had been two months since I smoked anything at all.

Audrey saw right through me with her black-hole-like brown eyes and said, ‘I know, it’s the dirtiest habit, but I just haven’t known what to do with myself since they’ve banned public meth smoking.’

We’ve been friends ever since.

‘It’s not that I’m concerned she won’t love him, they’ll all love him. It’s just the awkward ice breaking I’m not looking forward to. How am I supposed to start off the conversation?’

‘I don’t know, Mum, Dad, girls, this is the sex pot I’ve been telling you about. Just say that, they can’t deny you. Noah is gorgeous, total sex pot.’

I hit Audrey with the Herald Sun I’ve been half reading and she falls back into the cool Queens Park grass.

Staring up at the sky she asks ‘Do you reckon that cloud looks like a penis?’

‘Audrey I’m being serious,’ I moan dropping my head into my hands.

‘No you aren’t, you’re being paranoid,’ her voice tightens after taking another drag. ‘Now come down here and look at this cloud.’

I lie next to her in compliance and look up. ‘It looks more like two lesbos giving each other head, you know, sixty-nine style, like in one of your videos.’

I should probably mention that like myself, Audrey is bisexual. But unlike me who has settled down with someone, she’s quite promiscuous. Fortunately she practices safe sex so I don’t have to reprimand her about being smart, she’s already got wits about her. And when she tells me she’s safe I know she’s telling the truth because there are condoms tucked in every miscellaneous container of her one bedroom flat. She also keeps exorbitant stashes of plastic wrap around but says my ears are too innocent to know the extent of what all that’s about.

Audrey silently cocks her head to the right, the left, then the right again before saying, ‘You’re right, it does look like dyke porn.’

The only two words to describe Audrey are ‘full on’. She’s the only person I‘ve ever met who makes magenta hair look natural. It actually compliments her enormous brown eyes perfectly and accents her pink diamond nose stud.

I’ve seen her turn gay people straight and straight people gay. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I personally believe that the soul inside of us doesn’t contain any specific sexual organ… much to the dismay of the Catholic priests Mama dragged us along to hear preach every Sunday morning growing up.

Maybe if I hadn’t met Noah I would have given up on men all together and permanently settled with a woman. However since that never happened, it’s good to know that Audrey has been with enough women for both of us, and all of the other girls on earth who haven’t explored the avenue of bisexuality.

I don’t know what it is about her. She says the most offensive things but somehow, coming form her, they don’t sound so offensive.

The first time I showed her my wallet photo of Noah she said, ‘Oh shit! That’s your husband?! It’s a good thing I know because I’d probably try to fuck him if I’d just met him on the street or something. But don’t take that the wrong way, I would have tried to fuck you too if I hadn’t noticed your wedding bands when we first met, I may be a slut but I’m not a home wrecker or anything. Maybe we can have a threesome some time?’

That basically sums Audrey up in a nut shell. Something about her is irresistibly vivacious. And she’s loyal. Loyalty is hard to find in a friend these days. Plus all of her family is still over in New Zealand, so she knows what it’s like to leave everything behind.

‘Do you think it’s possible for me to introduce my husband to my family with no sexual innuendos?’ I ask taking a sip of Audrey’s strawberry milkshake. Most people do cigarettes and coffee, Audrey does cigarettes and milkshakes, providing it’s before 7pm. After seven it’s cigarettes and Shiraz.

‘Possible for me or for you?’

‘Me.’

‘Yes.’

‘Good… I’m glad we had this talk,’ I say with a sideways glance.

Audrey jumps to her feet. Her aqua blue Doc Martens sink into the luscious green grass. She squints her eyes to focus on something in the distance. ‘Hey look at those two lezzies over there, we’re so much hotter. Let’s walk by holding hands and make them jealous.’

I accept Audrey’s black finger nailed hand and she pulls me to my feet. We link arms and continue forth with our mission. The lingering silence reveals my distant thoughts.

Audrey kisses my cheek and snuggles a bit closer into me. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ she encourages as we begin to make our way. ‘They’re going to love him.’