this could really be

Full circle syndrome continues to swirl around me.

Back in 2002, I think I was at a similar point. I was a bit disenchanted by popular culture, a little put off by what I see day to day.

Part of the appeal of a stranger appearing and inviting me to Australia was basic. Leaving a country of over 300 million for an island continent of under 30 million. There’s a silence to that I just can’t articulate.

If I had $5, and a better idea of puppy transportation… I’d be on the next flight to Australia. I still remain to be, however, someone that has the concept of everything happening for a reason ingrained in veins of my lifetimes. Those aren’t words that spill easily from my lips. They’re syllables that are often impossible to swallow, actually. But like my inherent belief in a Higher Power, it’s just something I was born with.

There’s no desire in me right now. For the past two weeks I’ve been interviewing for another crazy job. I wish it was something I cared about. While I’m as over having my heart slaughtered by my ex-husband as I’ll ever get, I’m still not prepared to really say I care about anything.

Minus the puppies, of course. Loyalty is the only way to win me over, truth be told. And the majority humans are disgustingly selfish. Fact.

In the pit of my stomach, the bottom of my soul… finding a way home seems like the only logical direction. And while migrating to the states in 2011 taught me how hard it is to come back to nothing and build yourself again, from scratch. It just seems like something I occupy my life with – I guess I’m not sure what else to do with myself.

In a few days I’ll know more if a job will give me enough dollars to get back to Manhattan. And if not, then it’s onto leaving, again. Next to writing, leaving is the second thing I’m best at.

“Hopelessly, I feel like there might be something that I’ll miss.”

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