when they say no way

IMG_6108 My first husband was/is a dick to me. I’m not saying he’s a dick all around, on the contrary – he is incredibly engaging, dare I say charming? Add the Australian accent, crystal blue eyes and sandy locks – you’ve got a tall glass of water indeed.

But like I said, to me. He was/is a dick to me.

One of the dickiest things he ever did was tell me that I would never get published. This was back in 2005. When someone you trust rips your heart out like that, waves it in your face bleeding and everything, you sort of notice. I remember what he was wearing when he said it. I remember sitting on the deck outside thinking that I had inadvertently married someone blindly unaware of how language impacts my life. And how you can never take words back.

He told me this back when I was making 40K a year answering phones because, having up-moved my whole life from NYC straight out of school, and losing working rights for 18 months, it was kind of hard to pick up from where I left off once I got to Oz.

Not that where I left off was all too crash hot.

He’s too dense to realize it, but ever since I was shot down like that from the one person I ever believed I truly loved, no sort of success really matters to me anymore. This isn’t something that is my deliberate doing, it’s a simple case of cause and effect.IMG_6217

I’m working ont it.

Never the less, I turn 35 tomorrow. It’s been eight years since he spit that toxic phrase that which, to me, kicked off our following five year demise.

In between, I have been published. I was nominated for a Pushcart Prize, my poetry was shared on screen at the Sydney Opera house, I grabbed an Honor’s Master’s Degree in Writing, and I professionally established myself, exclusively based on my way with words, to the degree where I self-sufficiently survive on my own in the center guts of New York City.

I guess looking back, I appreciate him (and anyone else) who said I couldn’t do it. I tend to be uniquely inspired by forces that try to oppress me. And besides, my Novel might not be published yet – but he’ll always be a dick.



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