shitty girlfriend. brilliant wife.

July 7, 2014 Posted by the writer

I’ve had a somewhat similiar conversation with four people over the past four days, I make a really great wife, but the shittiest girlfriend on Earth.

It’s not that I cheat or mistreat anyone. On the contrary, I’m fiercely loyal and actually enjoy breaking my back for anyone I’m in love with – which tends to be everyone.

I’ve always considered myself a servant to a certain degree. I think I’ve got a good grip on how terrible the planet is, so I go out of my way to ease other human’s experience by being a flexible, easy going creature.

I’ve been divorced nearly four years now. All that I’ve learned from “dating” is that being flexible and easy going just means you’re a pushover / headboard notch.IMG_1558

My ex-husband killed a piece of me that I miss. There’s really no description for exactly what it is. But a large component of me has been notably absent since we split. I thought I’d keep his attention by crusading overseas to be a very successful Writer in New York City. No dice.

I realize I can’t keep torturing myself over someone who ate a decade of my life and never gave a shit about me. I get that part. What I don’t get, is dating. It is an inane spiral of nothingness that usually sends me into a pit of longing for what I thought I once had.

I can pool everyone together and project love to take the edge off of daily existence.  I somehow manage to independantly survive in one of the most difficult places to get by. I can wear heels and a smile every day to blend with whatever crowd I’m swimming in. But I can’t shake the perpetual saddness of learning that what I believed was once the most important focus of my pulse was nothing more than fiction.

Some days are worse than others. And while I appreciate the “get over it” mold that life casts us in. I know there’s part of me that never will, and doesn’t want to “get over it”. I guess I’d rather hurt forever over one thing that I thought was real instead of dancing around joyful after discovering the center of my life was just another empty lie.

And this, blog family, is spoken like a true Poet. The older I get, the rarer I realize we are.

About the writer

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gretchen's brain is preoccupied with words.

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    FollowMeToNYC is a creative processing ground which expresses individual ideas that often change with the tides. Naturally, these ideas do not reflect those of any of my employers, or anyone else you might see me wandering down the street with one day.
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